How do stillness somehow make me anxious?

I love routine 

Until I’m bored then I love excitement 

Until I’m overwhelmed then I love routine 

If this sounds more like you, read on….

As a person who is prone to anxiety and constant moving 

and the pattern of hustling and over-doing 

I have found that the truth of all

is that I did not like HERE. 

Here was not a place to trust.

Here was not safe ( as a child I always had to move due to the civil war in Lebanon)

Here is a place where I become visible 

Here was not enough. 

Here was about missing out what is happening somewhere else in the world 

Here was about boredom and lack of excitement 

Here was not a place that I thought I can handle with my eyes open 

Here was stickiness and stuck-ness 

Here was not deserving

Here was not freedom 

I believed that my happiness is simply not here

It is not in my routine

Home and grounds are not safe place for me 

This week in NYC  I attended a workshop about chakras and gained a new framework for seeing

my moving pattern and how to make more peace with the here and now 

Make peace with what is on my plate

my routine, structure and stillness 

Allow myself to SIT in my power 

Make peace with being more visible 

There is no way of fulfilment if I keep moving

Now there is nothing wrong with moving, actually one of my strengths is my vital energy

but here’s the thing, It has to branch out from a secure rooted place to amplify my creativity and productivity

I want to practice more stillness in the coming weeks 

I want to surrender to the gift of this moment

I want to make every moment perfect and precious

Like the great Zen saying “to one who finds stillness,  the whole universe surrenders “

Do you experience that too?

Do you see the power in finding your stillness?